The Painful Condition
by mindmelda
Summary: Pretty much a hentai test.


Title: The Painful Condition  
  
Author: Gina Lin Melton  
  
Genre: Humor/Romance  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairing: WC/SP, DM/HS, WC/DM (?)  
  
Warnings: language, silliness  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters. Woe is me.  
  
Wufei squirmed in his seat.  
  
"I thought you said this wasn't going to be painful, Maxwell!" he said. "I haven't been able to sit down properly all day!"  
  
"I never said that!" claimed Duo loudly. "I warned you that sometimes there's some irritation."  
  
"This is unbearable!" groaned Wufei. "I'm going to have to see a doctor. I'm sure it's infected."  
  
"I'm fine," said Duo. "I don't know why you're having such a problem."  
  
"Perhaps because you failed to prepare me properly, you idiot!" said Wufei.  
  
"I'm sorry Wu-chan," said Duo contritely. "What can I do to make it up to you buddy?"  
  
"Get me some ice!" said Wufei. "I'm going to be seeing Sally in a few hours. She said to put some ice on it."  
  
"Really, don't you think that will be uncomfortable?" asked Duo.  
  
"It couldn't be any worse than what I'm experiencing now!"  
  
"Okay, I'll get you some ice."  
  
"Thank you," said Wufei grudgingly.  
  
"No problem," Duo said, "I guess this is sort of my fault. I should have never talked you into something you weren't ready for."  
  
He went to the refrigerator of the apartment and put some ice in a plastic bag.  
  
"Here you go, Wu-chan," he said. "You need some help with that?"  
  
"I think you've 'helped' me enough, Maxwell," said Wufei.  
  
He eased down his trousers and with a sigh, placed the bag of ice on his ass.  
  
"Ah, that's better," he said.  
  
"Need anything else?" asked Duo, starting to really feel guilty now.  
  
"There' some pain medication in the first aid kit. I need two of them. And some water, please."  
  
"You're hurtin that bad, buddy?" asked Duo.  
  
"Yes!" said Wufei emphatically. "I cannot believe I actually went along with this hair brained idea of yours to get laid."  
  
"Well, it worked for me," Duo smirked. "I told you it'd be irresistable."  
  
"Good for you," retorted Wufei. "So far, all I've gotten out of this deal is a sore ass."  
  
"Maybe you're not going about it the right way," suggested Duo.  
  
He handed Wufei two pain pills and a glass of water.  
  
"Are you suggesting I am sexually ignorant?" asked Wufei, outraged.  
  
"Well, I dunno," said Duo. "I mean, I never asked."  
  
Black eyes glared at him. "Aside from the fact that that is none of your business, you know perfectly well that I am not inexperienced."  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Duo, plopping down in an overstuffed chair.  
  
"Maybe laying on your stomach will help," he offered.  
  
"I've been laying on my stomach all morning!" snapped Wufei. "I'm tired of lying on my stomach."  
  
"Just tryin to help," said Duo, looking down. "Geez, you don't have to bite my head off."  
  
"I'll take you to see Sally when it's time, okay?" said Duo. "I guess it is sort of my fault. I mean, I did talk you into the whole thing."  
  
"You'll have to," said Wufei, shifting again. "I don't think I can drive like this."  
  
"Sorry," said Duo, now contrite. "I mean, I thought it would be fun. I've never had it hurt like that."  
  
"I suppose you had no way of knowing," said Wufei. "And, after all, I consented. I guess I'm as much to blame as you are."  
  
They sat quietly for a moment.  
  
"Pain pills working?" asked Duo.  
  
"Yes," said Wufei shortly. "I just hope I don't fall asleep. I didn't get much rest last night."  
  
"Sorry," said Duo again. "If you fall asleep, I'll make sure and wake you up, okay? I mean, it's the least I can do."  
  
"Very well," agreed Wufei. "Wake me at 1400, my appointment is at 1430 hours."  
  
Wufei rolled over on his stomach and the ice slid off his ass.  
  
"Duo!" he said.  
  
"What?" asked Duo, who had flipped on the television.  
  
"You're going to have to put the ice back on it," said Wufei. "I can't reach like this."  
  
"Okay, Wu," said Duo agreeably.  
  
He walked over.  
  
"Oh man, Wu-chan, this looks BAD!" he said in alarmed tones.  
  
"Oh shit!" said Wufei. "I knew it!"  
  
"Yeah, man, it's all swollen and raw looking!"  
  
"Oh, gods!" groaned Wufei.  
  
"We're not gonna wait, I'm taking you to emergency now!" said Duo.  
  
"I suppose I have to put my pants back on," said Wufei reluctantly.  
  
"Good thing they're loose," said Duo. "Poor Wu! I'm really sorry!"  
  
"Just get me to the hospital," Wufei growled. "I'll kill you later!"  
  
After Wufei was painfully loaded into the car, ice-pack and all, Duo sped him to the hospital.  
  
They limped into emergency, Wufei leaning heavily on Duo.  
  
"Is Dr. Po here?" Duo asked the nurse at the desk. "My friend is a patient of his and he has an emergency."  
  
"Could you state the nature of the emergency?" the nurse asked politely.  
  
"Well, it's kind of a delicate condition," said Duo.  
  
"That tells me nothing," said the nurse calmly. "I need more details."  
  
Duo leaned over the desk. "Well, ma'am," he stage whispered, "ya see, it's his ass."  
  
"What about his um, buttocks?" asked the nurse.  
  
"Well, he's um, well, he has a wound," said Duo.  
  
Wufei was kneeling in front of a chair in the waiting room, bent over and groaning faintly.  
  
"I see," said the nurse, raising her brows slightly. "I'll see if Dr. Po is available."  
  
"Thanks," said Duo, winking at the nurse. She blushed faintly and pushed the page button on the intercom.  
  
Sally came into the emergency area. "What's happened?" she asked, looking at Duo first, then Wufei, still face down in the chair.  
  
"I decided he couldn't wait," explained Duo. "He's in a lotta pain." He lowered his voice, "It's his ass."  
  
"I can see that," said Sally. "What the hell happened?" she repeated.  
  
"You'll have to see for yourself," whispered Duo. "But, I feel sorta bad, after all, it's my fault."  
  
"Your fault?" asked Sally, grabbing a gurney and assisting Wufei up on his stomach.  
  
"Yeah, I sorta talked him into doing something he's never done before, and I guess things didn't work out so hot."  
  
Duo had his head down and was blushing a little.  
  
"I mean, this ain't exactly the way he wanted you to find out about this," said Duo. "I guess I spoiled things for you two."  
  
"I'll have a look, Duo, and we'll decide what to do about it then, okay?" asked Sally, as she and Duo wheeled Wufei into a private exam room.  
  
"Wufei," she said, "I'm gonna have to lower your trousers," she said to him.  
  
"Sally," he said, "before you look, I need to tell you something," he said quietly.  
  
"It's all right," said Sally. "Whatever it is, let's just get this taken care of first."  
  
Wufei nodded. "Go ahead." He closed his eyes, gripping the sides of the gurney.  
  
"Oh my GOD!" said Sally, as she lowered his pants. "Wufei, what does this mean?"  
  
"It was supposed to be surprise," said Wufei, blushing bright red.  
  
"I don't know what to say," said Sally. "I never thought..." she was speechless.  
  
"Mine is fine," said Duo. "I don't know what happened to Wufei."  
  
Duo put his hand on his butt and rubbed it. "No pain, nuthin."  
  
"Wufei, you seem to have a minor infection," said Sally. "Nothing serious, a little antibiotic will take care of it."  
  
"He'll be okay, then?" asked Duo, relieved.  
  
"Yes, he'll be fine," said Sally. "But next time you two go out and get tattooed, make sure it's a reputable place, okay?"  
  
"Okay," said Duo.  
  
"What does yours say, Duo?" asked Sally, curious.  
  
Duo looked sheepish, "It's a heart with wings and an arrow through it and it says, 'Hilde'."  
  
"Just like Wufei's," said Sally, smiling.  
  
"Yeah," Duo said. "Only of course, his says 'Sally'."  
  
"Did it work?" asked Sally, still smiling at him.  
  
"Did what work?" asked Duo.  
  
"Your plan to get laid, of course," said Sally.  
  
Wufei made an indistinct noise of embarrassment.  
  
"Well, um, yeah, actually, it did," mumbled Duo. "How'd you know that's why we got em?"  
  
"Why else?" shrugged Sally.  
  
"So, did Wufei's work?" asked Duo mischievously.  
  
"MAXWELL!!" Wufei yelled.  
  
Sally laughed. "I think it did," she said.  
  
"Now, if my patient and I can be alone for a moment, I think we can get this painful condition completely cleared up."  
  
The End 


End file.
